Here I go again. For a short while I thought I wouldn't to vent here again, but seems like I was mistaken.

Sometimes I feel like I'm too rough on my friends, excluding the two I can really rely on. The ones from Tampere are delighted to see me from time to time, sure, but they couldn't be bothered to check up on me, much less care about my problems. Even meeting them is hard, they always seem to have something better to do, even when I don't visit that place so often. With one of them I lost completely hope last year and I couldn't care less if I never saw her again. Some I didn't like in the first place, but with the rest it would be nice to keep contact...if only they didn't take me for granted all the time.

Speaking of which, one of my oldest friends has found a new group of friends through her "hobby", and now she doesn't have time for her old friends. Even I have been put on the top shelf, even though she once said I was her best friend. She skipped my birthday, won't be coming to our friend Laura's birthday, both because she rather spends time in fashion shows and tea parties. She didn't have money to buy me a present or even some candy for the birthday, but she does find money to buy more clothes, accessories and fancy food while visiting several cities with her new buddies.

I'm sorry if I sound self-centered, but I...don't think people realize just how lonely and sad I can be. Nowadays only my boyfriend asks how I'm doing and really means it: not wanting to hear that stupid "Oh school is this and that and yesterday was sunny and blahblahblah". It really means so much to me that there is someone to hold and love me, but sometimes I fear that taking care of me is going to be a too big of a task for him alone. I wish that...sometimes the others would just listen. I tried to tell me friend, the one that has seemingly abandoned me, but she just countered with her own problems. They all do... guess I just don't understand, I usually do not speak of my problems so I may have too big expectations.

The less they pay any heed to me the more frustrated I get and I suppose that can be seen as bitchiness in FB. I don't know if that's why people have stopped commenting but it still hurts. Do they not see?

 

 

Sometimes I'm just a scared little girl who really needs her mommy to come back in life and hug her real tight...

Hi umm...nobody's really paying attention to this but anyway...Need to get stuff outta my head so I can focus on other things again.

I'm really scared of losing my friends, have always been. And one particular thing has started to worry me. In fact, has bothered me a few years already.

I feel like clinging. I'm usually the one who wants to organize meetings, the one who assaults others with txts and asks them out. It really hurts when I hear afterwards that my friends (usually those from Tampere) went to somewhere together and forgot to ask me.

They forgot me.

And sometimes, usually after a period of silence I ask my friends out. Let's go eat, let's go to Megazone, let's do something! Here's the difference between my Lempäälä and Tampere friends. My Lempäälä friends would either agree or decline and propose another date. My Tampere friends...well, they're sorry. Kinda. And...that's about it. No suggestions on other meetings. Sometimes no answer.

I feel jealous when the others tell me how some people came and raided their house when they were sick or feeling down. I feel outcast when people talk about training sessions, theatre practise, larping, whatever. If I want attention I have to make the suggestions. And there's the other problem: I don't want to push myself on others. I would like to be noticed on my own. Always when I have to ask: "Can I tag along?" it hurts, 'cause there is always the small pause when people mull it over.

I hate being selfish but it would be nice if people did these random things with me and to me. Come to visit me randomly. Drag me to a place I've never visited. Invite me on an hour's notice to some place far away.

Not because I'm part of a group of friends.

Not because my mom's dead and people feel they need to hang out with me.

Not even because they are my friends or my boyfriend.

But just...because I'm me. And that they want to be with me and not just any friend.

To show I needn't be anyone else and I'm loved the way I am.

My first blog. Wupii. But why write on an Finnish board in English? Because I have friends who don't necessarily understand Finnish and I would be pointless to first write in English and then translate it.

So do I have anything to say? Perhaps not; I don't have any illusions of someone actually caring what I write here, but it's a way to pass the time (and a way to avoid reading for matriculation exams *cough*).

But anygays, my birthday is over and I survived!   On Saturday though I had a massive mental hangover because I over-estimated myself on Friday, but luckily I have friends who understand me. <3 The second birthday wasn't quite as... eventful as the one on Friday, but more fun nonetheless. My friends also got to meet my boyfriend for the first time. Also my dad hurt his leg during his Friday adventures, so no driver for me. Why the fuck do I not have my driver's license yet?! I hate depending on others, so you can imagine what hell it is to ask your neighbour to give you a lift.

Friday/Saturday wasn't just about me drinking too much and feeling guilty about that, no. It was then when I for the first time realized just how much I miss my mom. I kept imagining how she would scold me for stupid actions and also how she would keep dad behaving. I miss the food she cooked, how she would greet me when I came home, I miss her hugs, how SHE didn't flinch when she noticed I had a cold but asked: "Have you got fever, have you taken some medicine, are you sure you want to go to school tomorrow?". She would understand my school problems without much explaining, would be interested in how my friends are doing, would want to meet Markus and teach me how to cook something good for him (and also for dad, who can be pickier than me even if he eats everything).

I miss her. But you know, you can't help it. We cannot do anything but adapt. I have responsibilities: school, out pets, this house and its chores, the funeral, bills, the effing family business which I hate...I cannot drown my sorrows to alcohol because someone needs to take care of things. I simply don't have time to curl up in the corner and angst, otherwise everything will pile up and it'll become impossible to get up on my feet again. Pity doesn't clean the house, sorrow doesn't help me pass the exams, crying doesn't feed the cats.

But that doesn't mean I won't get tired, mentally and physically. And when I try to escape this place for a short while, to have some fun with friends or to visit Markus' place, guilt and anxiety follows: how's dad doing? Should I be leaving already, is he worried? How are cats doing? Is the place completely thrashed when I get home? Have I been too long away from home?

This place binds me to place. Before it was every summer, every single fucking day I had to worry about the business. I hate the business, but even more I hate adults (what, again you say?) for pestering me and making me feel guilty when I don't want to keep running this place! Like my destiny was sealed when I was three, that I will have to keep this hotel running every single summer, at the cost of mental health, too short contacts with my friends and constant feel of not doing enough. Like it's the most important thing to be a young entrepreneur, to make money and to be productive the whole time. They nowadays even look at me funnily when I say I want to go to Turku to study. "What about your father?" Well, thanks for the guilt again. It's not like I want to live my own life for a while.

Say what you want, but the Abi-cruise was a touch of heaven: for the first time in a long, long time, no responsibilities, no timetables, no chores, no worries: just fun and relaxation.

 

Maybe I am a selfish prick.