Hi umm...nobody's really paying attention to this but anyway...Need to get stuff outta my head so I can focus on other things again.

I'm really scared of losing my friends, have always been. And one particular thing has started to worry me. In fact, has bothered me a few years already.

I feel like clinging. I'm usually the one who wants to organize meetings, the one who assaults others with txts and asks them out. It really hurts when I hear afterwards that my friends (usually those from Tampere) went to somewhere together and forgot to ask me.

They forgot me.

And sometimes, usually after a period of silence I ask my friends out. Let's go eat, let's go to Megazone, let's do something! Here's the difference between my Lempäälä and Tampere friends. My Lempäälä friends would either agree or decline and propose another date. My Tampere friends...well, they're sorry. Kinda. And...that's about it. No suggestions on other meetings. Sometimes no answer.

I feel jealous when the others tell me how some people came and raided their house when they were sick or feeling down. I feel outcast when people talk about training sessions, theatre practise, larping, whatever. If I want attention I have to make the suggestions. And there's the other problem: I don't want to push myself on others. I would like to be noticed on my own. Always when I have to ask: "Can I tag along?" it hurts, 'cause there is always the small pause when people mull it over.

I hate being selfish but it would be nice if people did these random things with me and to me. Come to visit me randomly. Drag me to a place I've never visited. Invite me on an hour's notice to some place far away.

Not because I'm part of a group of friends.

Not because my mom's dead and people feel they need to hang out with me.

Not even because they are my friends or my boyfriend.

But just...because I'm me. And that they want to be with me and not just any friend.

To show I needn't be anyone else and I'm loved the way I am.